I DID IT!!!!!

The Race!

The Half Marathon!





Okay, I will take the Caps lock off now! I can't believe it's done and over with, and I can't believe I did it! I am very good at setting goals...and not so good at following them through.

After my freakout/hit the wall/ anxiety attack, my nervousness about this race skyrocketed to a whole new level. It went from being nervous about running for so long, to being VERY VERY PETRIFIED about my mental health during the race. If I knew for sure that I was going to have another breakdown like that, I absolutely wouldn't have run. I NEVER want to go to THAT place again. So I was super nervous.

Last Tuesday, before Jax and I left for Vegas (whole different story...) Sherry and I were supposed to run 7 miles. I was very nervous because it was my first "long-ish" run after "the episode" (That is how I will refer to my freak out from now on...) I was really nervous, and when I woke up at 5:30 to go meet Sherry to Run, I felt awful. I had no idea if it was stress, flu, anxiety, mental, physical, real, perceived, but I knew I couldn't run. At this point I knew Sherry was pretty concerned that I was not even going to run the race with her at all. She never said anything, but I could tell. I drove to Sherry's house thinking I will just power through, I can do it. When I walked to the door I knew I actually couldn't do it. I was so mortified. I knocked on Sherry's door at 5:30 am....to tell her I couldn't run, and that I didn't even know if it was because I was sick in the body, or sick in the head. Sherry was getting pretty sketical about my current commitment to racing!
In Vegas Dave, Jaxon and I all got very sick, so at least I knew that it wasn't a mental thing that kept me from running Tuesday morning, but now I had a hacking bronchial cough to get over in a week!
The week of the race we had two very short 3 mile runs and that's all. On Monday I coughed so hard that I gagged/threw up/dry heaved pretty much the whole three miles. I know at this point Sherry was pretty certain I was not going to run.


Then I broke the news to her that I forgot to register online and missed the deadline! I would have to register the morning of the race. She knew it. That was the last straw. I was bailing and just hadn't had the guts to tell her yet.

Friday I was ALL NERVES! Jaxon and I left the house and spent the day at my parents house. He was entertained, and I could watch mindless television all day and not think about it. Sherry and I made our final plans for the next morning and I could hear the skepticism in her voice...why was I making plans I was going to bail on???
Friday night Dave gave me the most amazing blessing. That's what I love about my church! I can ask Dave for a blessing, and he can give it to me! It was amazing, and addressed all my fears that I hadn't even talked to him about, and I knew that Dave, Heavenly Father, Sherry, and everyone else that knew how much this meant to me....they were ALL wanting me to succeed!

Saturday morning Sherry picked me up and I was ready. The morning went by in a blur (and we were really glad to see Rachel and Donnie in the potty line, or we wouldn't have made the start time!) The race started, and off we went.
We had been running for quite a while (I thought) and I thought to myself, they must not have all the miles marked, because we have got to be almost at the two mile mark! About 3 minutes later we passed the 1 MILE MARK, and I thought, "Holy crap. I'm in trouble!" Same thing happened at the 2 mile, and the 3 mile mark, and then somehow I got into the groove. Sherry and I talked our heads off the entire time, and for the first time in ALL of our runs, we never ran out of stuff to say! We had even made a list which I carried in my pocket of any and all possible topics should we have a dry spell, and we never even pulled it out! from mile 3-10 I didn't really care about the mile markers, and I got teary every time I saw one of the posters with the beautiful children with their bald heads telling me "Cancer is hard, running is EASY! KEEP GOING FOR ME!" It was hard to feel to bad for myself as we read these!
At mile 10 I realized- I am actually going to make it! I'm not going to have a mental breakdown...but what about physically? Can I do this? It got very hard for me physically. I didn't tell Sherry because I didn't even want to speak one negative word, I did want to trigger an "episode" Sherry kept running, and I kept running. I just put one foot in front of the other and kept talking!
At about mile 12 there started to be A LOT of people, kids, families etc cheering the runners on, and I got teary, and it never let up. I was about to achieve my goal.

It was so hard. SO HARD. And I was going to accomplish it. About about mile 12.7 the entire Queen Creek football team was on the sideline and cheered for everyone personally. I started fully crying. I cannot explain my emotions, but I was so incredibly happy. (and tired...but mostly happy.) The last stretch, probably the last .3 miles, the sidelines were packed with cheering family and friends. I didn't know a one of them, and it didn't matter. They were cheering me on, and I fully sobbed.

This didn't really go well with my ragged breathing after running 13 miles, and I had a very hard time breathing! About 50 yards from the finish line we saw Sherry's family, and a few feet later I saw Dave and Jaxon at the finish line! IT WAS ONE OF THE HAPPIEST MOMENTS OF MY LIFE!

(crying, weezing, and smiling!)

We finished!

And my two boys were there to see it!

Sherry Gave me a huge hug (which is a big deal for her!) and then our friends Rachel and Donnie found us and they all made me feel so good. They all 3 knew how much this meant to me, and talked me and my accomplishment up, and I will forever be grateful for what it added to the moment!

We checked our time, and it was almost a minute per mile faster than I had expected! (Don't worry, it was still PRETTY SLOW,) but I didn't care one bit! I'm afraid to say though-- it made me think, "Man, how do these other people run SO FAST? I could never keep it up!" But then I thought, "Hey, their fast running let them run this race in an hour less time than me...there is definately something to be said for THAT!" Translation- there is a chance that one day I will run another half marathon!

I have to say, as I was running that last .5 and everyone was cheering me on, acknowledging my accomplishment and keeping me going, I waxed a little thoughtful. I just thought, what if we were always this happy and supportive of each other ALL THE TIME?? What if we could really relish in our successes, and not be embarrassed to be proud of ourselves and the great things we do? What if people told us ALL THE TIME, how great they thought we were, how much they thought of us? I'm telling you, I think we would be unstoppable. It's not that we don't think it. I am surrounded my the most amazing, talented, beautiful, thoughtful, kind, funny women, but I just don't tell them often enough! I am going to try to do this more. And I am also going to start acknowledging my own accomplishments, big and small. We don't need to boast or brag, but we can feel really good about the things we do!

I have to say a big thank you to Sherry, who in all honesty could have easily been training for a full marathon with any number of our friends who were training. She kept me going and never once made me feel like I was holding her back. There is no way I could have or would have done this race without her encouragement and help every step! Seriously Sherry, thank you to the best GSC PRESIDENT a girl could ever know!

Help! Can you answer my question? And, random thoughts

1. Question- How do I change the email address that is linked to my blog? It is my old, old, old one, and I can't be signed into my blog and have my email open at the same time because they are both google accounts...help?  (Specific help would be great....I'm a little challenged....)

2.  Since I've been preparing for the race (this Saturday) I have been slacking on the gym. Mostly the long runs take it out of me, and I'm "saving my legs"  I miss the gym and plan to go back next week. 
  I've noticed that my day feels like it has no direction when I don't go to the gym.  When I go to the gym I'm up and at 'em early, I work out, then I'm out and about to do some errands.  I feel like I accomplish something! 
  Yesterday I didn't go the gym, and Jaxon and I did a little of this and a little of that.  I got tons done at home, played a lot with J, did lots of school stuff with him, and got lots of help from him around that house. We had so much fun together, and were productive to boot!  I made homemade dinner, AND did the dishes before Dave got home.  All in all a really successful day. 


But...darn Satan.  All day I had some anxiety like, "I really need to DO something! Like, a REAL something!"  What the heck? I did so much. It was a fantastic day with Jaxon and the house looks great (comparatively speaking...)  I can really feel the worldly side of me telling me to get out and do something, go some where, get out of the house. It's so counter intuitive.  I DID do something. I DID accomplish a lot yesterday.  This is something I really want to work on this year.  Especially as it's my last year without J in school everyday. Does anyone else feel this way...or is it just me?

I want to remember

   When I see Jaxon all dressed in his preppy clothes and his short hair spiked neatly up in front, cracking jokes and talking like a ten year old...I just can't believe how big he is. It hurts my heart to think that he will never be as little as he was yesterday, or last year.  I want to hold on to every last cute, baby-ish thing he does, because, there might not ever be another baby to do these things in our house.

  Then there are mornings like today- when he sleepily ambles in with his Buzz Lightyear pajamas that are too short at the ankles and wrists, with his hair sticking out at all angles, and climbs into my lap for a morning snuggle. I remember.  He's not so big, and he'll always be my baby. 
  I want to remember this morning. 


I have a love/hate relationship with running.

I love that I am doing it.  It is something I always envied of other people and never thought I would be able to do.  I love that I am achieving goals I never thought possible.  I love how I feel when I get home and can tell Dave, " I just ran ___ Miles!"  That feeling never gets old!

  The things I hate...well...I really don't like running long distances.  I found this out in the last few weekends as the training schedule for the half marathon I'm running dictated a 8 mile, then 10 mile, then 11 mile, then 12 mile, then 9 mile run.  Next week is a 7 miler...we are tapering down to prepare for the race. 

  Let me tell you a little secret...I RUN REALLY SLOW AND I DON'T CARE! 
It's not about how fast I run, to me its about how far I ran.

But....as the distances get longer, my pace get's significantly slower.  So...running 12 miles takes me about 138 minutes, or 2 hours and 18 minutes.  (that's an 11.5 minute mile in case you were wondering...and that's not even the slowest pace I've ever run...) So...while it's awesome to say I ran 12 miles...it's just not that awesome to run for 2 hours and 18 minutes...without stopping.

Anyway, I have done it.  They are done. Completed. It's a moral and physical victory. 

Yesterday we had a 9 mile run.  9 miles is nothing to sneeze at, but it is 3 miles and 33 minutes shorter than 12 miles, so thats a bonus.


Yesterday I hit a wall.  I'm serious. Only now do I understand that expression...because although it sounds kinda corny...there are no actual words to describe what happened to me.  It was a mental wall, not physical.  Physically I could have just finished running the last 2 of my 9 miles. Mentally- serious problems.
I don't know why it happened, or what was different but I do know that I'm really glad my running partner was there, or I would still be sobbing by the banks of the canal, and Jaxon would still be at music class!
At mile 7 my mind started racing with crazy negative thoughts. About me, about running, about my incapabilities, and mostly about how I was done, and I absolutely COULDN'T GO ON!  I fought it for mile 7.

 During mile 8 I told Sherry we needed to start talking again (talking generally becomes much more sporadic after about mile 7) becuase I was in a really bad place in my head.  So we tried to chat, but I wasn't there mentally, and then...the tears started. 

At The beginning of Mile 9 when we crossed the road and we knew we only had a mile left, that should have really lifted me up. Instead I stopped running and started crying. I was going to sit down by the canal and make Sherry finish running and come pick me up so I could just sit and cry.



Why on earth was I crying? Why was I telling myself what a stupid, idiotic, non-running slob I was and that I had no business ever trying to run in the first place?  I DON'T KNOW!  Sherry pulled me (literally pulled my arm and wouldn't let go to make me start moving) So for that last mile I cried, and listened as Sherry talked non stop (which she normally does NOT do) to keep my mind occupied.  Several times I just stopped running and she pulled me and made me start again.  Once we got to the car...things started looking normal again. The negative talk in my head stopped, and my body was okay. 

I seriously have no idea what happened out there, but I didn't like it. I am excited to run my half and check it off my Bucket List, but then I think I'm going to stick with 6 and under for a while.

Just sayin'

Just a Monday...

Sometimes, nothing too interesting happens around here, and Jaxon just says normally funny and quirky things, and not extremely funny and quirky things.  Those (these) are the days that I think, no blog today.  But then I get out of the habit, so here are some "Just a Monday" thoughts from me...please feel free to stop reading, or just let your mind wander...

   Jaxon and I RARELY stay home much....and we ALMOST NEVER stay home ALL day.  I always thought it had to do with my nervous/anxiety prone personality which gives me the constant need to be BUSY, and interacting with other people. Don't get me wrong, I'm sure this is a large part of it, but I discovered today, that there is more. 
  I had SO MUCH to do around the house. For example- I had 4 presents from Christmas still sitting on the living room floor that hadn't been taken our of the boxes and used/put away.  We are in the process of moving all of Jaxon's toys, videos, etc.etc. upstairs to the loft, and converting the downstairs into a bit more of an "adult space" (not "Adult" space...come on now!) so there is TONS to be moved, sorted, throw out etc.
  So, after a quick jaunt to the gym, pick something up at my sister's house (The most delicious homemade granola EVER!), a 45 minute music class, and a stop at the Ranch Market, we were home by about 11:15 and ready to work. 
  Here's the "more" to my dislike of staying at home. I had LIGIT stuff to do ALL DAY.  Thus, for most of the day I couldn't sit down and play go-fish, Shoots and ladders, Operation, Wii, Angry Birds, Legos, Blocks, Swords, trampoline etc.  Well Jaxon doesn't mind that much, as long as HE can be doing something "electronic" (Wii, computer games, Ipod touch, or watching a video) and seriously, I don't blame the kid. It's not so fun to play swords with yourself, build legos that you not yet able to follow the directions, jump on the trampoline alone, challenge yourself to a rousing game of Go-Fish...etc. etc. etc.
 WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO????  I don't want him glued to the electronics all day, but in truth it's just not fun to play alone.  This then plays on my saddness and guilt that he doesn't have a sibling, and I feel doubley bad. 
  I had him help me A LOT, but there are some things he can't do.  I stopped to play/read/build/jump A LOT, but I had to get some work done.  I made him "play" toys A LITTLE, but it's boring.

 What's a mom to do?

This is not old school Jaxon. This is new school Jaxon at our family pictures in November- Fake smile and all!

Dad will probably win.

Jaxon is the worlds #1 best staller.  I gave him the tiniest portion of black bean soup for dinner tonight (becuase he had already eaten an apple, two pieces of toast, a string cheese, and a fruit snacks, which I was totally okay with) and he had to eat it.  He stalled for I don't even know how long, and I had HAD IT!  After dinner we would still have had about an hour of family time before bed time, and I got so mad that I told Jaxon that if he didn't finish his soup in 3 minutes, Dave and I were going to play Shoots and Ladders without him.

  Without missing a beat, I mean, seriously the very next second, and without even looking up from the spoonful of soup he was glaring at, Jaxon says,

"Dad will probably win."

Here's another old school Jax for your viewing pleasure!

Jaxon Tells Jokes

Jaxon is really into telling jokes that he makes up himself. The jokes make no sense, but since Dave and I are adoring parents, and he has no older siblings to squash his budding talent, we laugh like maniacs at all the nonsensical jokes he tells.
Tonight Jaxon told a joke that I thought was hysterical!

"Dad, if you were a chicken, your name would be Chicken-Stein, you know...like FRANKENSTEIN, but CHICKENSTEIN, cause you're a CHICKEN! GET IT? CHICKEN? HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Come on, you laughed!

PS- Here's an oldie but goodie....just because I think he's so darn cute!

Check one off the BUCKET LIST!

  I don't know why, but a few weeks ago Dave I and were talking about our Bucket lists.  I'm happy to say that I lead a fairly happy and fulfilling life, therefore,  there aren't too many life shattering things I feel I HAVE To do before I die.  I've had a lot of really cool, unique, lucky, and blessed opportunities....so most of my bucket list items weren't that big...in fact my number 1. and number 2...Dave totally laughed at! 
  So later that week I told my dear friend (and running partner) about my bucket list items to see if they were as absurd as Dave thought!  Well...she laughed too...but not so much at me, as at the items!
  Fast forward...today (Wed. the 5th) Sherry took me out for a my birthday lunch.  We had the most delicious and healthy meal at Pomegranates, a whole and raw foods restaurant.....for anyone who thinks it's impossible to eat healthy, and eat deliciously...go to POMEGRANATES and be prepared to be proven WRONG!!!! Anywho, after lunch  we went to our big SECRET activity---


(Are you, like Dave and Sherry, laughing at my bucket list???? It's okay, I don't mind a bit!!!)

Unfortunately, you have to take one of their employees with you, and since there is no backseat, Sherry had to wait at the dealership for us to finish.  Mr Smart Car Man drove first, and showed me how the "Automatic Manual" transmission works...(Don't worry, no shifting necessary!) then we pulled over in a deserted, partially hidden, darkish parking lot behind a Fry's to switch places.  If he hadn't seemed like an upstanding young chap, the whole thing would have been a little creepy...
  So, I got behind the wheel, and VIOLA!!! Bucket list #1- DONE!  It was very roomy, and sits quite high up! You can't actually tell your driving a puney little car at all! 

  Well, Sherry had directions to bucket list #2....but unfortunately I had to be back to be home when Jaxon got home from Preschool, and we ran out of time to make it to the Segway Store, to test drive a SEGWAY!

  Now come on, isn't that the coolest birthday present ever? 

PS- when we were getting ready to take our test drive, we were headed for a sensible little  blue Smart Car, and Sherry said to Mr. Smart Car, "REALLY?  She can't Drive the HELLO KITTY one parked out front?"
Mr. Young Chap said, "Sure!" and went and got those keys!

 What a memorable birthday, and guess what? I still have a delicious, delicious, DELICIOUS raw chocolate macaroon to eat later!


Although no words are really necessary....

I will say a few....

Jaxon saw me working on some clients pictures in Photoshop, and got the jist...that it could be a lot of fun!!!  We spend almost an hour making monsters out of everyone we know and love, but these were his very favorites!

Overheard in Preschool Carpool

(THE SCENE:  Jaxon showing Brailyn his missing tooth....)

Jaxon:  "I lost my tooth!"

Brailyn: (sadly)  "WOW!  I never even lost one tooth!"

J: "Has anyone ever knocked one out? That's what happened to me. My cousin knocked it out."

B: (sadly) "No...no one has ever knocked one of my teeth out."

J: " Well...maybe my cousin would knock one of your teeth out for you!"

B: "Maybe....that would be so so great!"

Seriously, I love these kids!

The Day after my Birthday

I promised myself, and any of you stragglers who are still dutifully (thank you!) checking to see if I will ever post, to blog more.  So here it is-

1. Yesterday was my birthday and Facebook makes me feel special! I got so many great birthday wishes from people who, lets be honest...would never have known without the helping hand of Facebook!  I got a Kindle case  and a Kindle store card, and a Take Five bar (YUMMY....but Dave guilted me into sharing...BOOO!!) Delicious dinner at my parents with my favorite people in the world, my family! Otherwise, celebrating your birthday on Fast Sunday (which I do every 7 years or so...) kinda stinks...just saying.

2. One of Jaxon's New Year's resolutions was to "Jump on the Trampoline to get bigger muscles" (Can you tell we let him make his own resolutions?...I won't tell you the others... )
Anyway, when asked tonight in Family Night about how he is doing...he gave himself a "thumbs sideways."  He didn't get a "thumbs down" because he IS jumping more.  But he didn't get a thumbs up, because there is no visible change in his muscles! HAHA!

3.  Today is the first day of rededication to healthy eating and healthy body.  The difference this year is that "healthy" does not mean "Low calorie and completely or almost totally made up of chemicals"  I am trying to go natural, unprocessed, and raw as much as possible.  I am not a crazed lunatic, I don't judge anyone who enjoys a delicious steak (as I do...) and I do eat a little meat, but I have to be honest, I am reading THE CHINA STUDY, and I promise, it will change your life. I won't preach (BUT PLEASE READ IT!!!)

4.  On New Year's Eve, Jaxon got his tooth knocked out rough-housing with his best friend,  partner in crime, and Cousin- Oakley.  Totally accidental, not a big deal ...but Jaxon talks about it, his tooth, his cousin, etc... A LOT right now.  Tonight he said, "Mom- you know the two best things about losing my tooth?"
"1. That Oakley said sorry, and 2.  He shared some papers with me!"  Ahhhh to have the heart of a child!

5. Humm...what else?  Tonight in Jaxon's prayers he thanked Heavenly Father that we don't have "Ugly Blankets" on our beds...and I will leave you with that parting thought, maybe you ought to be more grateful for those gorgeous bedspreads huh?

New Year, New Blog, New Goals!

Happy New Years to you! (and as a side note, Happy birthday to me!)
I am loving my new Blog Layout- Thank you Lauryn!!!
But I lost all my contacts, so please leave me a comment with your blog address...PLEASE!

Also, I know I have been pretty cruddy about updating, but one of my 2011 goals is to start my posting again...just short and sweet..like...the funny things that Jaxon says that I am currently putting on Facebook instead!

So in review- I need you to...
1. Have a happy New Year
2.  Leave me your blog address!